His Pain is Theirs To Share
by RosesAreForWriters
Summary: Logan is caught harming himself by James, and there's a bit of an argument that follows. Bottom line, Logan needs to tell him the truth, and want to stop, so James can help him.


**A/N: So I'm doing this one today because I think it's about time I do a Teen Titans one-shot tomorrow. I know some of you probably find it weird that I've published so much in about one month, but that's due to the fact that I have no life and a lot of access to a computer. Writing has been my life for a while now.  
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**So, I'm doing a Jagan friendship simply because I've done Kogan and Cargan, but not Jagan! So, here's my first attempt.  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, and neither do you, so there!  
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"His Pain is Their's To Share"

He hated his overbearing parents. He hated the pressure to not screw up when doing a concert, or something public with the guys. He hated not being able to have a normal dating life because not only is his on and off girlfriend insane, all of the other girls are so wrapped up in their roles, or giant ice princesses that he couldn't go out with anyone else! He hated that because he was the second smallest, he felt like he was being antagonized by James and Kendall! He was stronger physically than Kendall was! Kendall just used his words to seem more intimidating.

Logan just wanted to get away from this whole place. He had come to L.A. to help James with his dream, but he didn't realize the pressure behind it all! No wonder so many famous people end up OD'ing and becoming alcoholics! He still didn't feel any sympathy towards Lindsay Lohan, but still! It was hard, and he didn't have any time to prepare for it! He never considered being famous, so he didn't think about it, not before he came to L.A.

Logan knew it would be awful publicity if he started going drugs, or drinking. He couldn't do that to his friends. So did something that wasn't really heard of in Lala Land. He had noticed his razor one day, and discovered that if he didn't have to go naked anywhere, he could hide scars. He just had to be careful about where to cut, and how deep. It wasn't hard, and Logan quickly fell in love with the awful, nasty habit.

He used his stomach, his upper arms, even his thighs, which he had been hesitant about. Just anywhere to let the pressure go, bit by bit. He could regulate the scars and the pain just by his say so. He could do whatever he wanted, and the entire experience was so _liberating_…but it was a cheap thrill. When he finished, and he stepped out of the bathroom, and sometimes the bedroom if he had something to catch any extra drops of blood, he felt guilt. He felt guilt, and sorrow, and pressure always seem to come right back, but it was less stress, so much as anxiety, and excitement. He had to keep his secret from the guys, but for how long could it last?

It didn't last too terribly long. It lasted a few months or so, and in that time period, they had finished school, and were on summer break. Gustavo made them work five hours longer than he normally would on a school day, with the missing two hours giving them time to sleep in. It was a good deal, because they still lost about two hours worth of work. Logan felt a little bit better at the number of hours, but he still worried that he was somehow going to lose worth either in his school work or his singing and dancing. Both were things he cared about deeply.

It was after a mixed up day at Rocque Records that Logan got caught. They had started the two hours earlier, which in result got them off earlier. Logan went to the bathroom about an hour after he had gotten back at the apartment, when he thought he was alone. The other guys were by the pool, Mrs. Knight was out grocery shopping, which, with six total mouths to feed including herself took at least an hour and a half. Katie was playing with Tyler in the park, and they didn't normally come back in until they almost couldn't see each other. Logan was pretty sure he was safe, and even if he wasn't the bathroom door had a lock on it.

If someone came back in the short amount of time he was in there, he'd hear it, and lock the door, since he'd decided to leave it unlocked. He'd made that plan as he hastily got in there and grabbed his razor. He didn't remember his plan when he started to say aloud the things, or reasons, that made him do all of this. He had his eyes squeezed shut, and as he said the words he imagined the pictures too. He was so caught up in stress reliever that he failed to hear someone open the door into the apartment, close the door, heck, even whistle as they walked, and open the unlocked door to the bathroom.

"Logan?" he heard someone ask shakily, their hand on the doorknob, and their whole body just stiff with some overwhelming wave of emotions that they couldn't even identify them. It was James, and as Logan looked up to see his best friend, James had never seemed so unnerved.

"James," Logan breathed. James started shaking, and then his line of sight moved onto one little thing, and that was the one line of red that started to leak a little bit more blood than the others. If there was one difference between him and Logan, it was that Logan could stay calm and keep his lunch down when he saw blood. James was the exact opposite.

"I think I'm going to be sick," James muttered, and he dashed from the bathroom about eight feet, where he practically threw his head down in the sink and Logan sat still in the bathroom and ignored the sound. He could take blood, but puke was still a bit tricky for him.

When James was done, Logan slowly got up, grabbed half a dozen tissues and placed them over his stomach, then walked over to where James was standing. He was still facing the sink, and he kept his hands gripped on the counter a couple feet apart. Logan stood beside him, and he was cramped between the adjacent counter and James's arm. The taller boy wouldn't look at him, but Logan could still see the tears welled up in his eyes.

"James, what are you thinking?" That was an appropriate question right? James didn't move, but his throat made a choking sound.

"Why would you do that? I mean, I've heard of people doing it, even kids at our school in Minnesota, but…why would _you_ do it?" There was a roar of thought and emotion behind his words, but they were incredibly quiet, and someone five feet away wouldn't have been able to hear it.

"It relieves the pressure…" Logan whispered. He felt unbelievably awkward discussing this. He should have prepared for this. He knew he would have to explain it someday. It would have helped everything if he could just find the right words, and at the moment, he couldn't find any.

"It relieves pressure? Pressure? Why didn't you choose something else? You're eighteen Logan, nearly the oldest of all of us, you could've gotten a gun and gone to a targeting range, and let go of some steam there!" James' voice got stronger as he went on, and by then end, his knuckles had turned white, and his words had conviction and _a lot _of anger. Logan felt small again.

"I was in pressure! We all know I don't function under pressure! I can't take it! I can hardly think!" he tried to yell, but his vocal cords made the words come out squeaky. James still didn't back down.

"Anybody would have realized that it was stupid though! It goes against common sense to do harm to your body, to let go of pain in your mind! You don't gain anything out of this! The pressure is still there once you do it, because you have to do it _again_! Why are you so stupid?"

There was that word, the magic word, that started it all. Stupid. His parents started this by calling him stupid, when he got a 95 on his fractions test. Gustavo called him stupid when a particular verse in a song was hard for him to memorize. Kendall has called him stupid when they lost a hockey game and Logan didn't do a certain play well. It only happened once, but from then on, he hated that word, and when someone called him stupid, it only added to the pile. Even if it was just a silly joke, Logan was incredibly sensitive around that word, and that word only.

"I am not stupid. You're stupid, if it took you nearly five months to see what I've been doing! You and Kendall are always supposed to protect the shorties, but I guess you haven't been doing a very good job huh?" That hit a nerve, and Logan knew it. He just _had_ to talk himself out of the corner, literally, and figuratively.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," James murmured, and Logan was thrown back, this time due to the _lack _of tone in his voice. James turned away from Logan, and started to walk off in the direction of the swirly-slide, but Logan ran up and grabbed his arm to stop him, and stepped in front of him. James frowned.

"No, I'm not! I haven't been punched or kicked one time since we've come to L.A.! Please, I'm so sorry! I know it was stupid, but I wouldn't let myself know that! I thought I was helping myself, but I'm not! Please, help me, James. Don't go. Don't go," Logan sobbed, sinking onto the floor at the last part of his rant. James slowly sank to a squatting position, and rested a hand on Logan's back. The smaller boy grabbed hold of James, and buried himself in his chest, even though it was _so_ not a macho thing to do.

"I'll help you, I promise. We'll have to tell Kendall and Carlos though. All four of us have been through everything together, we can get through this too," James cooed. Logan nodded against James' chest. They stayed like that until Carlos and Kendall came back.

It took a while. Logan didn't just magically stop overnight, and the other three were worried by it. Yet they took some of the pressure off of his shoulders, and that made him crave the feeling less. Carlos went to James for help on his math homework a little more often, so Logan could focus on his own studies a little bit more, and James helped even beyond that.

He and Logan went shopping- for a gun. As it turned out, target practice was a lot of fun. It took the want that had already been reduced, and split it in half. Logan wasn't completely there yet, but he was getting better, and he only had his friends to thank for getting him there.

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**A/N: Ooooh...angsty. Now, I realize the beginning was a bit long, and there wasn't a lot of dialogue, but actions speak louder than words, so they told the story pretty well. Tell me what you think, and if you're a fan of mine, there's a poll on my profile just for you! I put this in a lot of my one-shots as of lately, and although I don't do bargaining, I'll stop if you just vote.  
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**~RosesAreForWriters  
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